Post written by guest blogger Angie Snyder, PsyD, OITE Wellness Advisor
Most people have an inner critic – one or more “voices” inside the mind that are critical, harsh, and just not pleasant to live with every day. Examples include: “You’re stupid!” “You don’t belong here.” “You are unlovable!” “You’re such an idiot, how could you have done that!” and “You’ll never succeed.”
While some people think the inner critic is needed to motivate them to be successful, most people also find this inner chatter to be distracting and distressing, contributing to feeling discouraged or worthless. In addition, people often think they don’t have any control over this inner dialogue. However, there are steps you can take to manage your inner critic, and even begin to change the language inside of your head to be more of an inner coach.
Understand the Purpose of the Inner Dialogue
Before taking steps to manage the inner critic, it can be helpful to understand why humans have an inner dialogue and what purpose it serves. The capacity of having language inside of the mind is uniquely human in the animal kingdom. This internal monologue allows someone to “hear” themselves talk without actually speaking and forming sounds. This ability enables reflection upon oneself and helps people to:
- simulate plans;
- make sense of who they are and what has happened in their lives;
- store and manipulate information in the mind; and
- plan for the future.
Taking time to reflect with awe on these amazing mental capacities can be a good first step to shift one’s relationship to the inner dialogue.
The nature of the inner dialogue is formed in part from early experiences. When young and language capacities develop, children begin to utilize the inner dialogue to make meaning of experiences and relationships with others. While many experiences are positive, there also can be negative reactions and messages that are explicitly or implicitly communicated by parents, caregivers, peers, siblings, other influential adults, or society. These messages are then internalized – meaning that they are taken in consciously or unknowingly from others and adopted as one’s own thoughts or beliefs. Kids are particularly sensitive to what a parent says during times of stress. For example, if a parent is overwhelmed and exclaims, “You’re driving me crazy! You’re so demanding,” and this is a message relayed somewhat consistently, a child might take this to be true and it then becomes their own inner belief expressed and reinforced through inner dialogue. Inner dialogue can also impact behavior, which in this example might include a person not speaking up for want they want and need in reaction to worrying that they truly are too demanding.
Catching Thoughts
An important next step to shifting your inner dialogue is to pay attention to what your relationship is to your inner critic, what your inner dialogue is saying, and how prevalent it is throughout your day. Often people become so accustomed to this inner chatter that while barely audible, it’s nonetheless a powerfully influential hum that colors one’s mood and thinking. Are you aware of having an inner dialogue? How often is it speaking negatively to you? Positively? What are the messages and beliefs it is conveying? It can be helpful to take time to listen to the messages of your inner voice to be clearer about what its role is in your life, how you relate to it, and what specifically it is that you are saying to yourself. Over the course of a week, you likely will begin to see a pattern in the theme of these messages that illuminates beliefs about your worth and capacities.
Specifically, in a journal, you can answer the following questions to begin to “Catch Your Thoughts:”
- Do you believe it’s important to have an inner critic? Why?
- What do you notice that your inner voice says to you? Write down the exact words you say to yourself.
- How much do you think you’re aware of it through your days?
