Rejection is something we will all deal with at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, this sentiment – meant to give us perspective and a sense of common humanity in our struggle – isn’t one we readily soak in when we’re the person who’s been turned down by our dream job or denied admissions to the medical or graduate school on which we’ve hung the fate of our future. Instead, when dealing with rejection, we often forgo the more helpful, deliberate practices of self-compassion, for our less helpful modus operandi: self-doubt, rumination about what we should have done differently, and worry about the future. We suppress all the uncomfortable emotions that accompany the experience, namely shame, fear, disappointment, grief, and anxiety by allowing our inner critic’s normal melody of complaints to become a cacophony of criticisms: What’s wrong with me? Am I even capable of pursuing this path? I should have done ____ different! If only I had more _____! What will people think of me? I am such a failure. I’m never going to…
You get it. The blows are endless variations of the same questions and critiques playing on repeat in our head, leaving us easily distracted and worn down. And while these harsh thoughts may be our mind’s feeble efforts to make sense of our situation, they don’t get us any closer to dealing with the rejection in a way that leaves us more aware, more resilient, and more readily equipped to forge our new path forward.
How then do we resiliently navigate the blows of rejection without getting lost in our self-doubt, rumination, grief, and worry?
1. Recognize and name emotions coming up for you: Our emotions can be a main driver of our behaviors, whether we’re aware of it or not. So, when we ignore or push them down, we’re only fooling ourselves. But when we can begin to label our emotions accurately, without judgment, we become more equipped to respond purposefully and act in a way that aligns with our goals and values. Grief is often an unidentified response to rejection as we have lost part of who we are and what direction we’re headed. When we don’t acknowledge and process this normal response, it often festers in us in unhelpful ways: physical aches, agitation, numbing, avoidance, or maybe anger (at ourselves and others). Next time you notice an uncomfortable emotion show up for you, instead of responding to it with judgment or trying to rid yourself of it as quickly as possible, consider asking: What information is this emotion trying to relay to me? And what, if anything, do I want to do with that information? Who might be able to help me with this? Or do I need to ride out this uncomfortable feeling until is passes? … Because I promise, it will pass.
2. Reconnect with a routine: With rejection often comes uncertainty that can leave us floundering in fear and searching desperately for a sense of control. One helpful way to ground ourselves during this uncertain time is by engaging in a routine or schedule that ensures we’re still taking care of the basics of our wellbeing – eating well, sleeping enough, moving our bodies, connecting with others – even when everything else around us feels like it might be falling apart.
3. Reflect purposefully during a prescribed time to combat rumination: Schedule contained time in your day to reflect on your application and your interview. Walk away from this reflection time with practical take-aways: What can you learn from this experience? What may need to look different the next time you apply? What action items are in your control that you can focus on when worry, rumination, or obsessing over imperfection inevitably sets in again?
4. Reframe the unhelpful stories you’re telling about yourself and the situation: Rejection is stressful which can make us prone to automatic negative thoughts. We might catastrophize by thinking that our future is ruined now that we didn’t get into the school we wanted or offered the job we were hoping for. We may over-personalize, failing to see all the nuanced aspects impacting admission or job decisions. Or we may start down the path of should statements, ruminating on all our missteps and imperfections. These are all examples of distortions that lead us astray, affirming unhelpful stories that make us less resilient. To interrupt and reframe these stories, we must first, notice and name them. Second, we have to learn to talk back by asking, Is this thought true? Is it helpful? What are the implications of following this thought?. And then finally, we need to start identifying more accurate and nuanced ways of interpreting the situation. With practice, the more objective interpretation – the one based in fact, not just how we feel – becomes the salient story in our heads.
5. Respond with a plan that aligns with your goals and values: Perhaps this particular rejection has left you questioning what you should do next. The grief accompanying this loss of opportunity may also be contributing to a sense of overwhelm and even fear about what to do next. Whether you choose to reapply to schools, look for other positions, or shift directions completely, it’s important to approach ourselves from a place of honesty and curiosity during this time. When we make decisions about our future without self-awareness, we can be vulnerable to biases, like the sunk-costs fallacy which keep us moving in directions that don’t always align with what we really want. So, if you’re unsure of where to start in this process of responding purposefully, consider reaching out to an OITE wellness advisor or career counselor for support in processing the many emotions and expectations you likely are wading through. Additionally, this can be a safe and supportive place for you to take small but important practical next steps like, conduct mock interviews, get support with your CV, explore career trends that may impact your next move, or find language to ask the job search committee or admissions team why you weren’t offered a position.
There’s no way around it: rejection is hurts, and the pain we experience from it can send us on a downward spiral emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally. But we don’t have to stay stuck here. Start with some compassion, by following the suggestions outlined above, and remember that you don’t have to forge the path forward alone. We are here for you.
