Emotional intelligence is our ability to identify and regulate our emotions, communicate in effective ways, have empathy for others, and work through conflict in constructive ways. You may notice that you have strengths in certain areas of emotional intelligence and room for improvement in others. We are not born with a fixed emotional intelligence; we are able to improve these skills throughout our lives. With enhanced emotional intelligence our relationships can be healthier, our success greater in school and at work, and we become more equipped to motivate ourselves to attain our personal and professional goals.
Key components of emotional intelligence include: self-awareness; self-management/regulation; social awareness and empathy, and relationship management.
Self-Awareness: You can label your emotions and understand how your emotions impact your thoughts and behavior. You can understand what drives your behavior and the effect your behavior has on others.
Self-Management/Regulation: Self-management allows you to react to your emotions in a healthy manner, and recognize which emotions are appropriate to express in specific contexts.
Social Awareness: With social awareness, you pick up on the emotional cues from others, have empathy for others, and feel comfortable with healthy conflict.
Relationship Management: In relationship management you can: maintain a variety of relationships; communicate in healthy ways; set appropriate boundaries; can work well in teams; and successfully manage conflict.
There are several ways to improve our emotional intelligence. Below are examples of daily practices that can significantly enhance our ability to understand ourselves and those around us.
- Be aware of your own emotions. Learn to label your emotions and identify triggers and patterns around emotions. Having a nuanced emotional vocabulary can help you label accurately and subsequently manage your emotions in a healthy manner. Make a note of times that trigger more emotional distress and which emotions arise.
- Manage emotions. When you notice an especially difficult emotion, pause and ask yourself “What do I need right now?” Have strategies ready; these strategies could include going outside or taking a brief walk, getting support, utilizing self-compassion and kind self-talk, deep breathing and other mindfulness practices, exercise, and/or allowing yourself to sit with the emotion for some time. Once you have identified a trigger, develop an action plan for how you will handle yourself when this emotional trigger is reintroduced; for example, if you know that you experience emotional distress when a specific obstacle arises at work, have a self-care strategy ready for when that happens next.
- Take responsibility for your emotions. Don’t blame others for “making you feel” a certain emotion. Take ownership of your emotions and be curious as to what is at the root of that emotion.
- Stress management. When we are stressed, we have a difficult time managing our emotions. Regularly practice a healthy routine that includes exercise, healthy diet, adequate sleep, and connecting with a support system. This routine can help mitigate or alleviate stress before it becomes overwhelming.
- Work on empathy. Practice giving your full attention and active listening to see if you can deduce how another is feeling. You can try to validate their feelings by saying “it seems like this made you feel____” and listen to see if they agree. Look for body language clues that can also help you understand their emotions.
- Communication skills. Communication includes both active listening and healthy expression. When listening to another person, put away any distractions including the distraction of preparing your response before the other person has completed speaking. Practice expressing your emotions in clear and respectful ways. Use “I statements” when communicating your thoughts and feelings; the use of “I feel” is a powerful way to take ownership of your needs without putting the other person on the defense.
- Request Feedback. Ask trusted people how you are doing with your own emotional regulation as well as how understanding you are of others’ emotions. When you receive feedback, be open to hearing things that you may need to work on.
- Become aware of your biases and preconceived judgements. Some questions to ask yourself to start recognizing individual bias and judgements include:
Do I exclude people? Who do I include or unconsciously focus on disproportionately?
When I seek advice, do I listen to some people more than others?
Am I listening to this person with my full attention without expecting any specific behavior or response?
Am I being open-minded in this situation?
Am I practicing empathy right now?
When you notice yourself judging someone, try also to recall their strengths. Be curious and ask yourself how this judgement is affecting how you treat this person. Awareness around our biases can help us better understand how we are relating to others.
- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help build our self-awareness. When we are open, curious and in the present moment, we can gain clarity around our emotions and the emotional world of others. Mindfulness practices range from breathing exercises, meditation, spending time exploring your 5 senses, to being mindful of your thoughts and emotions.
You can improve emotional intelligence with effort and awareness. The benefits of regularly building these skills will present themselves through improved relationships with others and yourself. Feel free to reach out to OITE Wellness to discuss how you can individually work on further developing emotional intelligence.
